| how about you and me forever? |
[Saturday
February 25th, 2006 @ 6:16am ] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
not sure. |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
michael celedon - lauren. |
] |
unmask my invisible demons.
irony wrapped in it's cliche package,
drops falling on my front steps.
pour down like rain from these eyes,
closed tightly from what i wish to see.
hidden beneath the surface,
it's beyond the skin depth of your reach.
let the dirt under your fingernails show
that your hands might bleed,
but you'll keep digging until you touch me.
i've been weighed down,
and in my struggle i might have distanced
myself in more ways than just the miles.
i want to somehow reverse this hush.
awake us from this hybrnation,
learn quickly now how to adapt.
i can't solve a questionless quiz,
i'm oblivious to what we're dealing with.
all i know for sure is
all i really need to know to begin with.
my whole life will be spent in your eyes,
my heart resides forever in your hands.
i am so in love with you.
i want, i need, your arms around me.
pathetic stares at photographs,
it makes this so much harder to be away.
love, point me in the direction
that you need me to throw the punches.
i'll fight whatever battles we have.
and when i look back in your eyes,
and read them like a book.
i won't need words to tell me,
how we've already won.
"i keep my peace, i use my strength.. to follow you on this road."
|
|
| say you'll miss me. |
[Tuesday
September 13th, 2005 @ 3:47am ] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
wonderful. |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
jack's mannequin. - rescued. |
] |
listen to my heart, for all you want to hear.
i place a single finger
delicately on the pillow
beside the feather-filled cloth
that rests beneath my head.
tracing the outline of a heart
in place of where my love should be,
staring back into my eyes.
i let my eyes close tightly,
letting my lips curl into a smile,
that he would surely be returning.
i lay there so still,
so that i can feel my chest rise slightly
everytime i take a breath.
i draw it in so deep,
and i can almost feel the air tighten.
i can feel him all around me,
his presence holds me desperately.
he's lacking only physically,
he'll never cease to be right here with me.
his spirit dwells inside me.
the sensations from his touch are almost real,
as if his fingertips can really touch my skin
even through the miles that stand between us.
you can seperate me with distance in this space,
but his adoration stretches far beyond.
his face may turn away, but his heart remains.
i find comfort simply in his words,
that hold me each and every second
that he is unable to do so.
i find i know myself in so much more detail,
then before i understood myself.
read over the book a few more times,
you'll realize how it does make sense.
i see our unborn baby in the eyes of every child,
i hear their laugh, i watch them play out in the grass,
picking dandelions, blowing hard a silent wish.
i prepare from their life, with every decision.
he is my future, that's pending right before me.
he said something about,
letters being derived to provide limitations on language
and that the deepest emotions
cannot possibly be forumlated into words.
i sat for hours, in despair, attempting at any cost
just to prove him wrong.
maybe he wasn't mistaken,
maybe, in all honesty, what's true is that
my sentences will never become,
the passion that's only within.
i'll kiss his lips,
i'll sincerely lay his hand upon my chest.
i'll let him feel my heart beat for him,
and in that second he will know,
all that i could never say.
"i'm thinking i'd prefer not to be rescued."
|
|
| time always kills the pain. |
[Sunday
August 21st, 2005 @ 8:45pm ] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
bored. |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
gwen stefani. - cool. |
] |
just another word.
it's another day, where in every today lies a decision that will effect your tomorrow. where you feel as if you'll never stand still, because yesterday was once today and the sunset brings you closer to tomorrow. you think, that means today isn't anything if i just have tomorrow to look forward to. but you being in my today means more to me than any yesterday. and tomorrow i'm hoping it's the same.
it's another year, where time flies so slow. where you remember childhood brithday's that seemed an eternity before the next, they seemed so few and far between. but these days, they're approaching rapidly. they go as quickly as they came and then the thrill is gone. it's just another year to contemplate your life, to wonder where it's going, to wish you knew then what you know now. just another year that i cherish you, and hope that it's not the last that we learn together. learn what life is, learn what love is, learn what the true meaning of a year really is..
it's another step, closer to that glory, closer to your destiny. don't forget the ones behind you, they are reminders of why you stand where you are. but don't backtrack, there's a reason you moved forward instead of backward. it's just another step, into understanding yourself and seeing yourself the way i do. as the most beautiful human being, the most kind, the most gracious, the most overwhelmingly amazing. it's another step, you can't repeat, so plant those feet firmly and carefully, walk on.
it's another moment you'll remember. another moment you'll wish someday that you could relive. another moment you'll look back on and another moment you can be proud of. but moments slip so quickly, they never linger. so remember this moment, just like any other, and let it go.
it's another day, another year, another step, another moment.
i'm another friend, another companion, another helping hand. i'm another tear you shed, another embrace your shared, another helpless cry, another girl in need.
i'm anything but ordinary, because i'm here to stay. i won't slip, i won't linger, i won't fall away. every season turns right around again, but i want you to keep in mind
that i might be another heart, but our souls were once the same. i have a part of you inside me and each step you take, each decision you make, i feel it too. i feel you.
you're my best friend,
and next time you take a step, or you remember this moment, look beside you and give a squeeze. that's my hand you're holding. i'm never letting go.
i love you like no one ever will.
happy birthday.
"we have changed, but we're still the same. after all that we've been through, i know we're cool."
|
|
| it's now or never. |
[Saturday
July 16th, 2005 @ 3:07am ] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
looking back.. |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
ryan cabrera. - always come back. |
] |
that boy will never know.
he's extraordinarilly amusing,
i recall my voice being so positive,
my laughter never ceasing.
but over time it began to echo,
and surely faded out.
his humble smile was comforting,
but i comrehended every moment,
that it was empty when in my reflection.
he had no knowledge
of the fact that behind my eyes,
that seemed so radiantly unaware
of the life he'd been leading,
that there were diamond tears
that turned to coal each night.
i was enlightened,
yet so disappointed.
i let it get the best of me.
everyday, another step
towards all he was meant to be.
distance growing inbetween.
disposable girl,
he'll leave, without a worry.
he was destined to glow,
inside those neon city lights.
never recognized,
never heard,
all i really wanted to indicate.
but i know the screams,
were much appreciated.
but who notices one less voice,
amongst the millions?
i've lost track,
i'm so behind.
the loop is far too advanced
and i'm never catching up.
but i'll always remember,
the boy i thought i loved
and how he became the star
i always knew he was.
"sometimes you just have to leave it all behind you. take a chance. just know, you're not alone."
|
|
| hold me. |
[Friday
July 8th, 2005 @ 3:52am ] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
magnificant. |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
mindy smith. - one moment more. |
] |
side note: sorry, i haven't wrote in a million years again. sorry, this is terrible. sorry, that i suck. i work a lot, i'm never online, i have a boyfriend, i hardly even talk to my friends and family anymore. hah! i wish the days had more than 24 hours.. anyway. i miss you all. in time, we all get what we deserve.
he was all i'd always wished i had, he was everything i ever needed. he was someone who would comprehend my thoughts, even when i couldn't find the words to let them out. he was someone who never left, even though he had every right to want to. he was someone who eased my mind enough to change my indecisive mind. he was someone who understood, more than anyone ever had. who wanted what i did, as impossible as that seemed. he was someone who could concentrate on every single line, even when it hurt so bad to listen to me talk about every other helpless worry in the world as i kept pushing him away.
i wanted to want him just like he wanted me, but i kept saying that he must be only temporary. you're not the girl he wants you to be, he must think you're so much more. because why on earth would he love you so much, when every man you've ever loved has taken a walk in the other direction?
then i saw there in his eyes more than he could ever say, and when he held my hand the connection was deeper than what was between our fingers. it took hours after he had left for me to realize i had found what i had looked for everyday of my waking life. every minute i had thought of something i had finally seen, how could i ever let that slip away.
so, he told me everything he felt. every moment he had cherished. and i told him just the same. i told him i couldn't lose all that we had now. i told him all the things i'd never been able to tell anyone before. and he told me all the things that i had never heard.
he was the one who waited, when i'd always been that girl. he was the one who never cared what i seemed to go on about. he was the one who smiled even though i knew he wanted to cry. he was the one who held me when i couldn't stand on my unstable ground.
he made me laugh when i never thought i'd crack a genuine smile again. he made me forget of every imaginary problem i'd built up inside my head. he won over my family, my friends and eventually my heart. he dealt with my issues until i figured out myself.
he's more than any wonderful that i've ever witnessed.
and now he's mine.
"give me just one part of you to cling to and keep me everywhere you are. it's just enough to steal my heart and run, and fade out with the falling sun. oh, please don't go. let me have just one moment more."
|
|
| give up on me. |
[Monday
May 16th, 2005 @ 10:10pm ] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
tired. & crazy. |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
fall out boy. - a little less sixteen candles.. |
] |
someday aspires everyday to be yesterday.
he listens but he doesn't discover me like you used to. he can't really hear me. he won't remember this tomorrow and chances are, he really won't notice. he nods his head, his smile eases my mind. if only for tonight. his arms, they'll keep me warm, but the silence is distressing. each word progresses into a sigh, because he hasn't experienced me like you have. he doesn't know what every sigh means, he hasn't picked apart the sound of my voice.
and i'm left to wonder,
will he ever be you?
how many nights will i spend in his bed, sleeping with a stranger, before he'll want to know the real me? before he'll question what's behind my smile, what's behind these eyes. and before he'll let me in on what he's keeing from me. will he ever let me be all i can be?
am i just hard to commit to? does no one really want to stick around? so, it's easier to share your bed than your heart, but what if i want to spend longer than just a night? when is it okay for me to say, i want more than this. i'm tired of watching them walk away from me. i just want one to stay for awhile. that means, i'll bite my hushed lips and pretend someday he'll kiss them like you used to.
i can't lie, i do enjoy him. all the heavy breathing is leaving me light headed. i'm just beginning to like him far beyond the sweat between the sheets. i just want something stable, instead of comfortable.
right now, my exhausted heart is just realizing it never got pieced back together correctly. broken hearts are often mended into something else. so, i'm giving all i've got from my misshapen orgin that beats for someone else that i'd die and come back as someone new just to forget about.
on a good day i can forget, put the past where it belongs and be done. but when i look in his eyes, i can't help but recite all those words you told me. wondering, if he doesn't even love me.. what will make him stay if you didn't? won't i bore him? won't he get sick of all that i apparently just can't suffice?
why won't he let me care? will anyone ever give me the chance to really love them?
i guess i can't be picky, because i don't let myself cry anymore. i can keep holding on to someday. someday maybe someone will understand me. someday maybe someone will want just what i do. someday maybe i'll find someone who doesn't think i'm crazy. think i talk too much, think too much, feel too much, over-analyze a bit too much. maybe that's just what someone out there needs. maybe i'm perfect.. for someone out there. maybe i already am, and i just don't know it. or maybe i could be..
maybe someday.
"i don't blame you for being you, but you can't blame me for hating it."
|
|
| poets are just kids who didn't make it. |
[Sunday
May 15th, 2005 @ 1:14am ] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
just fine. |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
fall out boy. - summer song. |
] |
side note: so, i haven't wrote in forever. i apologize. work really drains you. i've also been going through a lot of changes. it's all happening pretty fast, i'm just trying to understand it all.. which apparently with how crappy this is. i don't. you're too old to be playing games.
clearly i have stumbled,
clearly i'm mistaken.
clearly i have one more chance
to correct my answers,
turn it around, turn it in,
hope that this score is better than the last.
i'd almost forgotten what it was like,
to have possesion of my own mind.
to live in my own likeness, and not his.
i can't remember the last time,
i told myself i could succeed.
that i was worth all i wanted
and that i am more important than that.
i'm more valuable than holding on
to what i'll never have.
and i stepped forward,
and i moved on..
i still hear his voice,
when i'm talking to someone else.
and i can still taste his lips,
when i'm kissing that new boy.
but time is healing me,
like nothing else could.
i hope he's happy now.
so now i've contemplated every possibility,
of every man leaving me until the day i'm gone.
so i swore to myself i'd save everything i had,
i'd save my piece of mind, save my every last breath,
for myself.
but then i turned right around,
found pleasure in so many new things.
and realized quickly that they just weren't for me.
they were so wrong,
temporary fixes to my permanent issues.
it felt right,
for only a minute.
i knew i had to get away from that.
i found someone worth slowing down for,
worth giving it a try for,
and i gave it away again too quickly
and i'm terrified.
attachment clings so desperately,
and no man has shown me light.
none have broken me down
since chicago took my heart away.
until him.
i just don't want to adore him,
i don't want to miss him like i do.
it rings sometimes with no answer,
my worried mind says he's already over it.
he's already left
before he even let you fall.
maybe it would be better that way,
is all i say.
am i even prepared?
i don't really think so.
the apartment feels so empty,
i'd rather be in his sheets.
wrapped in something real,
for the first time in so long.
i underestimated myself.
sure, i'm tangled up.
i'm ready sometimes to just give up.
honestly, i can say now a child is what i live for.
every night i dream of her,
and every morning i awake knowing
it's one day closer to when i'll have her.
marriage doesn't really scare me.
and carrying a baby never has either.
i'll have that someday,
with or without you.
i'm ahead of myself,
there's no reason to worry.
i'm keeping a reasonable head,
i'm gonna slow it down.
my life is catching up,
to where it's supposed to be.
stop playing hide and seek,
just come out and play.
ready or not,
here i come.
"please put the doctor on the phone, because i'm not making any sense. blame everyone but me for this mess. and my back has been breaking from this heavy heart. we never seemed so far. i'm hopelessly hopeful, that you're just hopeless enough.. but we never had it at all."
|
|
| you'll dream back. |
[Friday
May 6th, 2005 @ 5:15am ] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
refreshed. |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
aslyn. - golden. |
] |
thanks, miss pretty, got it all together.
a simple girl, a simple world,
a broken heart, a hundred and one aching tears.
after all of the broken promises after all these years.
she wants to grasp on to all she has left,
but it's slipping away slowly with each and every breath.
she wants to move on and tells herself she can grow up,
she wants nothing more than just courage to carry on..
but every day finds more obstacles,
that she doesn't think she has strength left to overcome.
she'll find a song that sings her words,
coming from another girl in this unforgiving world.
she doesn't know,
she'll never understand,
how someone she's never met can somehow
make this day that seemed like it would never end,
turn into a night that leaves her waiting and wanting more.
wanting tomorrow for the first time in so long,
looking forward to life, love and everything she now realizes..
will come in time to those who wait..
thank you for showing her..
that she too deserves to live.
"i never loved so hard, never hurt so bad, never been such a fool for love. and i never want so bad, just to do it all again. find one who's golden. never let go when its love or you'll find yourself waiting alone."
|
|
| i don't belong. |
[Saturday
April 9th, 2005 @ 3:38am ] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
exhausted. |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
lisa loeb. - stay. |
] |
so, this is a totally random entry just to show off my new tattoo. you can see it, but you can't see where it is or how big it really is from this picture, but i'll get more some other time.  it's on my lower back. i totally love it.. i was really glad he got it so perfectly close to what i wanted. i know it looks all ouch and stuff, it was directly after i got it. before he even put the bandage on it. i'll post more if i take them or something. i'll also probably be writing some more soon. i've just been busy and then i've had so much on my mind but no time to write. who has the time anymore for anything, right? hope you've all been good.
- TIFFANY.
"the lover's in love, and the other's run away. the lover is crying 'cause the other won't stay. some of us hover when we weep for the other who was dying since the day they were born." |
|
| it's just no use. |
[Monday
April 4th, 2005 @ 10:35pm ] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
absolutely terrible. |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
natalie merchant. - tell yourself. |
] |
side note: there's nothing i could say to explain everything i feel right now. this doesn't even do half the justice of what i wish i could relay. but this is all i had in me. i guess this is goodbye.
sometimes it's so hard to find the words you want to say, but you know that you have to search anyway. you know that you need to approach it from a different angle, so that you might understand a little better.
i honestly have no idea what just happened. what happened to my life, my heart, my entire reason for living every day. it's failed to show up when i needed it most and now it's gone forever. i'm positive you don't know what you're doing. you don't know what you're saying, and some day you're going to look back and want to take it back.. just like i did when i opened my eyes and realized it wasn't a dream. i wanted to take back the entire yesterday and have it never have happened, but then again i would take back the last year and do it all over again.
you don't really know what you want or what you need, but i hope that you find it somewhere along the way. i was ready to wait for the rest of my life for you, and if you're looking for someone else who will sacrifice as much as i have.. you're going to need the best of luck. i don't think a single soul would give all that i've given, would hold on as long, would give you the benefit of the doubt time and time again. but i still wish you everything you've ever dreamed of. as soon as you find it, let me know so i can pray for that.
i got in my car and wanted to drive to some distant land. where no one knew me and no one could see right through me. where no one could tell me they told me so and no one could say i deserved anything better than all i've ever wanted. i couldn't find it, because i know it doesn't exist. so i drove right through a red light, wondering if i was really supposed to live without you. i prayed some lightening bolt would strike and hit so hard i'd never have to see the world again. because if i looked and you weren't there, what was the point of being there at all. but i'm still here.
it hasn't really sunk in that you're really gone. even though you left me so long ago, i see you leave me every single day. you come back and you pull away again. you're back and forth and you always have been. you lead me here and you lead me there and i just follow like i don't even mind. i never did, but i guess i do now. i hope she deals with everything okay, i hope she knows that she'll never be me. i hope she knows she's just temporary.
but i guess, in the end, so was i. temporary until you find something else you think you want, you think you need, until the next temporary fix to something you'll never find.
i don't know where to start, because i haven't really realized i've reached the end. where do you go from here? i was ready to give my entire life. i wanted to be apart of yours forever. i had made up my mind. i was ready for forever, i guess you never will be.
i know why you were scared and we both know it wasn't because of me. you weren't ready to see it in front of your face. you weren't ready to tell me you didn't love me. you weren't ready to tell my crying eyes that you never wanted to see them again. because you're not over it. and you never will be. go ahead and pretend and if that makes you happy then that's what i want too. i'll try to lie as well as you, but i've never been the best at that. i'm not as trained as you are in that department. just don't tell me otherwise, but then again you're not telling me anything anymore.
and yes you owe me more. i never said it in spite, i meant for all we'd been through. for every day and every second that was irreplaceable. for every night we shared together. for every time i cried with you. for every moment i thought that you would step it up. that you would be the one for me. for every time you broke my heart.
i never said i made it easy, i know i made it hard as hell. i apologized so many times, i'm sorry for how i feel. i blame myself sometimes for never letting go. i blame myself for everything, but what does that help? so sometimes i blame you for hurting me so much, but sometimes i also hate myself for making excuses for everytime you made me cry. you gave me the happiest and most horribly sad moments that i will ever live, but i wouldn't take it back. i'd never take it back.
i never wanted it to be like this, i never wanted you to leave. i never wanted us to stop talking, you said we never would. but you said you'd never break me like this, so i guess sometimes promises are also broken. i know it's not on purpose and i know that you're so sorry. but i know this is what you wanted and that's why i'm turning around.
i guess this is goodbye, i'm doing this for you. i'll try to act like it's what i need, because i know it's what you think you do. never forget that you said it was the best time of your life as well. never forget that i'm the first girl you ever really fell in love with. never forget what i looked like laying next to you in the morning. never forget what my laugh sounds like or how my voice gets higher when you tease me. never forget that you are the love of my life and even though i'm mad sometimes, even though i'm trying to move on, even though i'm trying as hard as i can to hate you so much.. i just can't.
this is goodbye and i'm trying to be strong. you say i'm so much more, but i remember when you called me scared. you still think i'm scared. and maybe i am. maybe, because you know that this was my biggest fear. i was right when i said the only man who will never leave me forever was my father and i'm not chancing that again. my last two years, my entire piece of mind. i'm saving it, they can't have it. i'm not ready, i'm never giving in again.
i wanted so much more for you, for me, for us. i'll never really know what goes on inside your head or what you're really doing when you're away. you'll never tell me and now you don't even have the chance. i'm trying to erase you, but all i know is you. i thought i needed one more chance, just a chance to have a real goodbye. i thought i deserved that, but i guess i never really did.
i hope you remember how it felt everytime we kissed, remember how i felt. i hope you remember my whole family loved you and they never wanted you to go away, they cried too and they say goodbye. i hope you remember how long i waited, how much of me i gave to you, how i'd do it all again without a second thought.
i wanna say i'm a phone call away, but you don't want to hear me now. i don't want to know what's going on, i just can't bare it. i never was your friend, and i know i never can be. i can never be around you and not want to be with you. so good luck again, with everything i'll never get about you.
good luck,
you are the love of my life.
and i guess..
this is goodbye.
"i know what you tell yourself, you tell yourself. who taught you how to lie so well and to believe in each and every word you say?"
|
|
| i should've known |
[Monday
April 4th, 2005 @ 9:51pm ] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
fine.. (dot dot) |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
michael tolcher. - here it comes again. |
] |
i'm sorry i haven't posted in awhile. i got a job, and a car and stuff like that. i work at walmart, i really like the people and it's not a bad job. i like meeting new people and such. it's been fun. i got a mazda mx6, it's pretty. i like it. i got a cell. (817) 880-3311. call sometime.
that's about all i can think of. i've just been super busy and then all this crap happened the last few days. i can't really explain it, but if you read my next post you might just guess it all anyway. life is okay i suppose, but everything inside isn't. i'll live though. life goes on.
i love you guys.
- TIFFANY.
"never again. that's what i say. everytime i'm left feeling this way. never again, no not to me. i make a promise to myself, and it's hard to keep."
|
|
| nothing inside her. |
[Friday
March 4th, 2005 @ 2:16pm ] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
confused. |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
lisa loeb. - she's falling apart. |
] |
side note: i guess there's not much for me to say about this, other than i can't believe i'm posting it. tainted self-portrait.
i live in a world where the average is double what i see in my reflection. it's ironic that i live my life thinking that i'm the one who doesn't stand a chance. everyone sees little imperfections that live inside their mirrors, but you think since i'm the smaller one that maybe i'm satisfied. just because i'm not a few sizes too large doesn't mean i don't have trouble finding the right one.
it's not easy to admit when you have come to realize that something isn't quite fitting into the lifestyle that's created for you. when you stray from the path of where you're supposed to be walking. in reality i guess that's how it's been since the beginning. everyday of my life i've been told there's not enough digits on the scale when my feet are lying on it. so, in turn i've formed an image of someone who's not beautiful. beautiful is taller. beautiful is curvier. beautiful isn't you, is all i hear them say. so, somewhere along the line i ended up saying to myself, "you don't deserve food anymore."
i know i try and disguise the feeling of being something alien. i try and act as if i'm not scarred by everytime they told me, "pretty girl, sit up and eat." it wears on you, a little at a time, to hear the same words. i know i'm not what you wish i was, but do you really have to shout at me that way? it hurts my ears, it hurts my pride, it hurts me so bad inside.
so, i went on a mission that was bound to fail. i told myself i wanted to gain what i could never find. i need to, for my own good. i said that this was for me, what i saw in myself. but really it was for all those people, who thought i would always be the skinny girl they could tease laughingly, because that never harmed anyone. because, of course, i'm not fat. everyone knows the obese have more tender feelings than the underweight, or atleast that's what we're told. there's no twelve-step program, no reality show, no self-help guide on how to gain weight. so what's a girl to do?
i retreated, subconsciously glad that i couldn't figure it out. maybe i was scared that if i started i wouldn't know how to end it on my own. or maybe i was scared of finally being like every other girl, living with the want. to have my talent of being able to eat endlessly with no consequences. maybe i was just scared of seeing that extra number on the end of the scale. or maybe, just maybe, i had more of a problem than i once thought.
i stay away more and more, i've just become disgusted. what i used to love is becoming what i'm soon to hate, and i don't know how to stop it. it's consumed my thoughts and i tell myself that i can fix it, but instead i just sit back and watch myself slip away. what if it's gotten too far already? what if i can never come back to the life i used to adore?
i promise that this wasn't what i wanted. i promise that i tried so hard to keep myself from falling into this pattern. i promise that i don't respect myself anymore. i promise that i hate this.
stand up straight, girl.
you're much too thin.
if you keep starving yourself,
you'll never fit in.
"they rise in the morning and they sleep in the dark. and even though nobody's looking, she's falling apart."
|
|
| an empty space. |
[Thursday
February 24th, 2005 @ 5:46pm ] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
fine fine fine. |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
gavin degraw. - against all odds. |
] |
never felt so close to next door.
i can hear her voice trembling,
right through the thin wall to my right.
i'll sit silently in the bathtub,
so that i can make out what she's saying.
hold your breath, curious mind.
you don't want the water to splash.
you don't want to blow your cover.
i can't see either half of this couple,
but the man just seems so angry.
he's shouting and she's sobbing..
i don't ever want that to be me.
all i can think is if i ever settle for anything,
if i ever give up on what i know is meant for me,
then that's bound to be what will happen to me.
i hear the children,
oh god, they're just scared.
someone save them.
she screams at them to go to bed,
but they can still hear your family falling apart
from inside their comfort room.
they'll cover their terrified eyes
and you'll never see the pain you cause
until it's far too late.
he threatens without a conscious feeling
of how bad he's really hurting her.
he thinks if he doesn't touch her,
and forms his words just right..
she'll learn some lesson
and he won't harm her tonight.
but only if that faceless man knew
he doesn't have to lay a hand on her,
to damage everything inside.
so she takes out her aggression,
she wishes could be on him
on the only innocense the house holds.
oh, those beautiful children..
they don't know what they ever did wrong.
they ate their dinner,
they cleaned their room,
but mommy and daddy still argue just the same.
why is daddy so mad?
why is mommy always crying?
why can't we just be the happy family
i see in all those daytime sitcoms.
maybe we all have problems,
maybe no one is quite as perfect as they wished they were.
but if i can do anything about it,
that will never be me.
i let the water drain,
as their voices slowly fade out.
he would never let that happen to me.
please, don't let that be me.
"i wish i could just make you turn around. turn around and see me cry. there's so much i need to say to you. so many reasons why you're the only one who really knew me at all."
|
|
| feel that serenity. |
[Friday
February 18th, 2005 @ 1:30pm ] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
half asleep.. |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
michael tolcher. - mother's garden. |
] |
i think i'm far too obsessed with changing my layout. can i keep one more than a week or two? i think not. oh well.. this one is very lovely if i do say so myself. pink is my favorite color. and it's happy looking. happy is good.
i hope you all had a wonderful valentine's day and whatnot. mine was.. well lets just not talk about that. i've been to a few shows lately though, and they were interesting.. to say the least. the very least. interesting in a good way, by the way.
i've pretty much not been able to keep my mind off of a few things though, no matter what the days brings. i can laugh and forget for a few hours and then it just comes back. but hey, it'll fade.. it always does.
time heals all wounds, eh?
i love how i'll always love britney.. no matter how much her retarded husband messes her up. she will always be stunning to me.
that is all.
EDIT@4:35pm:
they say that they'll love you,
they say they'll never leave you.
you're tired of them lying to you.
because all they end up doing
is loving like they'd never leave
and then leaving like they never loved.
- TIFFANY.
"we are alone, it's you and i in this whole galaxy. we can't survive without each other, are you listening? i need your help to heal myself when i am suffering."
|
|
| don't even think twice. |
[Friday
February 18th, 2005 @ 3:12am ] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
tired & hungry. |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
michael tolcher. - sooner or later. |
] |
my blankets bite back.
i don't know when it began, but i've started to notice how my blanket seems to be stuffed unevenly. the feathers don't seem to fancy me quite enough to fill my side each night. i'm so unsatisfied. i sigh each time as i gently pat it down to where it looks symmetrical enough for me, but i know it's inevitable that by tomorrow it will be just the same.
i contemplated over and over again, what could cause this problem and finally i came to some sort of conclusion. maybe in time my hands have started to hold on a tiny bit too tight. i hold everything too close, but before the night is over what means most still gets away from me. and each time i sacrifice to get it back, i still have to understand that it's just a temporary fix.
i'm so close, but somehow i'm still a thousand miles away.
i never meant to conclude in such a manner, but if i don't let them inside then they don't have the chance to stray. if you don't feed their mouths, then it won't feel like home. i can't give any reason for them to think the contrary of how i feel. if you don't attach yourself then you never have to detach yourself, and if you don't have to detach yourself then it doesn't have to hurt when they don't come back.
so, i'll stay awhile. i'll smile awhile. and then i'll say my peace. no one said i can't be happy, but i said i just can't let it happen again.
but with you, i can't seem to alter my decision of still holding on with monster grip. i used to try and push it, but i've accepted since that it won't budge. you will be my exception, to everything that scares me. to a world that will never hold me, because i won't get close enough for it to touch me.
you might wander, but i always tell the voice inside my head that you're just taking a little walk. so you can breathe, so you can be free. 'he'll be back', i promise myself. but you were right. i'm complicated, i'm confusing, i'm stubborn and i'm strange. i'm all of the above and i'm not sure if i'm ready to change it.
so, i'll smooth out the blanket tonight and hold on as if i were holding on to you. and i'll hope that one morning when i wake up..
that the blanket is holding on right back.
"sooner or later we'll be looking back on everything and we'll laugh about it like we knew what all was happening. and someday you might listen to what people have to say, but now you learn the hard way."
|
|
| are you in or are you out? |
[Monday
January 31st, 2005 @ 7:45am ] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
tired. & hungry. |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
frou frou. - let go. |
] |
take the risk, mister audacious.
i feel some slight seperation, as i hold our relationship between my fingers. not quite something i want to mend into a stronger bond, i think we've fought hard enough to keep this thicker than steel. it's just a temporary tension, i feel it quickening my heartbeat. i can hear the difference in your laughter and i'm searching for the words in between, the ones you're just not speaking. i'm inching closer still, and i'm so surprised you're not holding up your hand to politely guide me away. i'm petrified in every step, tilting my head remotely to the side and pondering on why you're letting me back over the line that we are both fully aware of.
i've grown impatient with the nameless trepidations i've let sit dormant for too long. i'm beginning to apprehend a sleeping form of my anxiety, awaking inside. i'm sitting opposite of the conversation i used to carry alone and handing it over to you. you can hold it while i gather my composure and wipe the smudge marks from behind these glassy eyes.
i'm delusional with sleeplessness, just trying to make out my own sentences. i'm a little weary of resting my worries underneath my pillow every night, hoping if i sleep on them that in the morning something will have changed.
no matter how much space i put in between my days, i'll keep working on getting closer to tomorrow. because regardless of the progress i've made, my home still lies in yesterday. i have come to comprehend how much power i have, in changing my piece of mind, but we both know i'm never going to take that back from you. it might always be under your control, instead of mine.
make me look forward to the day after next,
i dare you.
"so, let go. jump in. oh well, what are you waiting for? it's alright, 'cause there's beauty in the breakdown. so, let go. just get in. oh, it's so amazing here. it's alright, 'cause there's beauty in the breakdown."
|
|
| not that far away. |
[Saturday
January 29th, 2005 @ 10:17pm ] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
nostalgic. |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
spoken. - sleep well tonight. |
] |
my dream girl isn't who you think she is.
she'll lay sweetly nestled in my arms, so innocent to a world i never want to let consume her. it would eat her alive, just as it's eaten me. i don't want her to ever leave these sheltered walls. i've built them up so high, so that maybe she will be shielded from all the world i've seen. i wish i could avoid her from ever being bruised by outside perspectives, maybe if i hold her long enough she'll never fall. severing harsh tongues away from her precious life is a task i'm willing to take on.
she'll look at me as if i'm the only one who understands her, without uttering a single word. she can't speak, but i know she can hear me tell her that i'll never let her go.
"i'll do my best, i'll teach you well. i'll be here for you, my beautiful.
don't you ever forget how much i love you."
she'll let her lips part into a delicate smile and make the noise we'll call a laugh, that chokes me up in the most delightful way. i'll blink in silence, so she doesn't see a single tear. i'll be stronger than i ever knew was ever possible, just so she's not scared to break down. i'll suck in the breath that wants to leave, so that she can lean on me.
she'll grasp one of my fingers, because it's all she can wrap her tiny hands around. it shows me that she possesses my quality of holding such a tight grip on who she loves. i'll lean in and kiss her pretty head and i'll tell her,
"you are all i live for each and every day. you are my purpose, my lovely.
you are what i look forward to when i rest my head at night and you're present in every dream i've ever had. you're why i'll never give up. oh god, never forget how much i'll love you one day."
i say one day, because today..
i'll open my eyes and watch her fade away.
she's not real yet..
let her go.
"i can’t get you off my mind. not that i'm trying, but all i want is to hold you again. sleep well tonight."
|
|
| i fall apart. |
[Saturday
January 29th, 2005 @ 6:40am ] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
really tired.. |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
the wreckers. - the good kind. |
] |
i never even asked you to..
thinking back to who we were and every second we spent together, i'm beginning to recall a pattern in my choices made. i can't remember a single time i ever asked for a solitary possession from you, not one single thing. when in a normal situation, similar to my own, i'm certain another girl might have been more demanding than i. i guess that's what true love had done to me.
i never asked you to get to know me, but a moment passed and there we were in each others heads. so quickly time flew by and each second brought a new discovery about one another. only making the feelings i had grow stronger still.
i never asked you to understand me, but unlike anyone i'd ever come in contact with before.. you took in every word as if it was my last and you analyzed them all and spit them right back out. you showed me who i really was, before i even knew myself. you were never scared to show me exactly how i looked, from the other side of life's two sided mirror.
i never asked you to grow fond of me, but each word you spoke was unforgettable. each feeling grew a little stronger and even though we grew apart, once we spoke again it was quite evident that the bond was just as strong. and since then it has been proved time and time again, that it can never be broken.
i never asked you to kiss me, but i remember there in my bed of my once old modest house, you leaned in close and my world was changed all because of the simplistic fact that i loved the way your lips felt on mine.
i never asked you to fall in love with me, but that night you bared your soul to me and i took in every breath. i found it hard to not break down, by sheer joy of all my world being in your eyes. and in your eyes was all i needed to know.
i never asked you to be the one for me, but you were everything i'd never experienced before in my life. i never asked for you to be my first, but i'd never felt so comfortable and close to anyone or anything like that before. i never asked you to give me the best time of my life, the time that won't ever be replaced. i never asked you to change me, but i'll never be the same. i never asked you to break my sensitive heart, but it was so hard to watch you walk away..
i think with my record, i thought it was clear enough. that i'd never ask you to stay. i have contemplated every single day the decisions i had made and i don't know what they might have changed. but dear, i knew you more than anyone deserved all you could withhold, all the satisfaction you could stand. i would give up every dream i've ever had, ever wish i've ever made. i'd give away my entire world, just to see you succeed in this world you've made for yourself.
but every night i kept thinking that maybe if i didn't ask, my backwards cycle would work again. i'd never ask you for anything, but still you would always be there. and even though you left anyway, i keep thinking.. if i never ask you to come back, maybe someday i'll open my eyes to see why i've held on. maybe you'll be there with me.
i'll never ask you to keep loving me. i'll never ask you to take me back someday. i'll never ask you to call me every now and then, so i don't forget your voice. i won't ask you to not forget the memories we've made. i won't ask you to hold on to hope.
i won't ask you to be the only love i'll ever know.
but i guess that one goes unsaid.
"i'm tired of hiding behind these lying eyes. i'm tired of this smile that even i don't recognize.."
|
|
| true love ends. |
[Friday
January 28th, 2005 @ 11:31pm ] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
lovely. |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
the spill canvas. - the tide. |
] |
i can't tell him that he has exposed me.
you'll slowly pull away the blankets
i've knit with my very own hands.
one by one you strip me
off every stitch that's covered me.
they've sheltered me,
it's hiding me.
but i'm so scared to be the real me.
let me have back the cloth
that lets me pretend i'm warm again.
i just want to grasp on to something..
anything.
but you take it away slowly.
the only thing you've done
is remind me of who i really wish
could be wrapped around me.
and in the sense of feeling free,
you've discovered me.
you've uncovered me.
and all i really feel now,
is all my vulnerability.
i've resorted back to the cling
i'd always run from before.
i told myself if i could just hold tight
to those sheets at night,
i wouldn't want for every second
of every waking moment
to be spent holding you.
but i was simply uttering false comfort.
and i'm still awake
inside this empty space.
you're still miles away
from everything i'll ever be.
i've never been good at lying
and you've never been good at pretending.
so why don't we stop this torturing
that keeps us up at night.
why don't we rest our worried minds,
why don't we destroy this complicated time.
why don't we shed our anxieties,
why don't we lie in this bed together tonight.
and finally be everything
that we're terrified to be.
"no, heaven's not a place that you go when you die. it's that moment in life when you touch her and you feel alive. so live for the moment and take this advice; live by every word. love's completely real, so forget anything that you've heard.. and live for the moment now."
|
|
| she just laughs. |
[Thursday
January 20th, 2005 @ 10:17pm ] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
great.. & hungry. |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
elton john. - tiny dancer. |
] |
take a walk down our broken memory lane.
a year ago you uttered words that implied a much different annual memory of the day. as if we'd put effort in every decision we made together, through it all. a year ago i never thought i'd be sitting here without you, wondering where the time went. and still in the back of my mind, i'm here wanting to go back to a time where we were perfect.
twelve months ago i never knew what would come of what we were doing. i never thought you would overwhelm me. i never thought you'd overcome me. i never thought you would turn my world into a place i'd learn to love.
a year ago i never thought i'd find the perfect moment, every girl fantasizes about. it was real in every sense and i'd never take back or change a second of it. i'd repeat every mistake i made, because to me beautiful mistakes aren't mistakes at all.
three hundred and sixty-five days ago i never thought i'd ever find it in me to have the feeling of anger toward you. i never thought i'd see the day where i'd ever pray that i'd just despise you. i never figured i'd ever have to move on. because that day, a year ago, you told me you weren't ever giving up on us. i guess somewhere along the way, you were forced to.
a year ago i never thought we'd ever be in the situations we were placed in. i never thought i'd have to forgive you for hurting me. i never thought i'd blame myself. i never dreamed that every night i'd cry myself to sleep, just wanting to go back to where we were that day.
twelve months ago i never knew i'd be back in that same place. today i stand in the footsteps of a year ago. loving you more than i loved anything before. loving you as if the last year was just a figment of my imagination. loving you has strengthened every bone inside my body. loving you has hardened the very ground i walk on. loving you has broken and in turn has healed the heart that only beats because it hopes that one day you'll give it the second chance to love you like it did.. a year ago.
a year ago i made a blind leap into the place i'd never been,
that i still haven't come back from.
don't waste your precious time on sending a search party.
i've come to like it here.
i think i'll stay.
"but oh how it feels so real, lying here with no one near. only you and you can't hear me when i say softly, slowly.. hold me closer tiny dancer. count the headlights on the highway. lay me down in sheets of linen, you had a busy day today."
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